What do you want first, bad news or bad news?
|Northshore Road, along Lake Mead, Nevada...|
open desert, fresh air!
More and more results are piling in. I was enjoying a nice lull between tests, family still in town enjoying the warm desert air. Today, a flurry of phone calls. First from "my" nurse at the Breast Care Center, to reiterate the news from the oncologist. Then I go online to see the actual results of the biopsy and, for the first time, a bunch of medical terminology I couldn't decipher. But malignancy, metastasis, rapid mitosis rate, and other nasty words are in there and I know what those mean.
Then a phone call from "my" advocate who referred me to a bunch of resources and explained how my team will be working together. Happy to see that she took a bunch of notes, promised to coordinate with my oncologist and set me up with "my" specialized breast surgeon. Wow, surgeon. I admit that made my heart jump...that scary knife... I am also promised a bunch of literature; I love reading. She was extremely capable, compassionate and caring; also a survivor.
I apparently lack proper affect and have not yet fully panicked...or at all, at least on the outside. Oh I am well aware of what has happened on this very short month, can hardly believe it has only been 30 days since I got the fateful x-ray that set this weird ball rolling.
Every test result leads to a new path and new possibilities. Some doors open, others close, but I have to believe that at some point soon (very soon?) I will get to the beginning of my healing journey; the start of the real fight. I have to believe that. And I have to remind myself I am still investigating, along with my very capable and growing team. In my sleuthing team, I now have a general practitioner, an oncologist, a breast care advocate along with an entire Breast Care Center, and this next couple of weeks I will meet "my" surgeon.
Things are actually progressing quickly, medically speaking.
State of mind these days
|Sittin' pretty in the quiet Muir Woods|
late July 2017
|They are REALLY tall!|
All so foreign to me, all this sickness...did I tell you I walked near eight miles in the bliss of the Muir Woods just this past July? late July. And three days ago I climbed a tiny little hill in Lake Mead that left me wiped out for two days. New life, for now; silently visualizing the day my old life will be new again, perhaps with some adjustments, but I will fight for that future like a lioness.
|Atop...some very short hill that kicked my butt|
I am told there will be plenty of time to freak out, perhaps a bit later. Right now I calmly (anxiously) await the next test, the next result, the next tweaking of my journey. Three more tests scheduled for next week, three more pieces of the puzzle. And then I am calmly (desperately) waiting for the day I can take that first dose of whatever cocktail of powerful drugs that will rightfully kick my ass, make me weak and vomit, and hopefully in the process also get this "thing" to stop eating at me.
Right now the cancer is quietly spreading and there is nothing I can do, not until I am given something! something to make it stop munching my bones, even quietly recede. Right now I am so desperately helpless.