Scrambled mind, scrambled lifeI guess I should at some point insert a note about why I write this diary of sorts. First, it helps me to write down what's going on and second, I hope I help someone else by writing the day to day tedium of going through this experience.
I have read some cancer survivor's books and some help. I am just pretending I'm walking down the beach with a friend and they just asked me "what was today like?"
Thoughts are powerful and I use my mind to go wherever I want, whenever I want. While my body parts are being sandwiched mercilessly by a rather large machine, my head is up in the mountains, finding another trail, watching the herd of deer hop by...ow, that hurt! Back and forth, between a very real and a suddenly surreal world and the ultimate refuge, my mind.
Everything seems scrambled, in disorder; my mind jumps back and forth, counting sterile ceiling tiles, seeing that waterfall in the spring, another robe, another nurse, a pine guarded path...
All I can do is keep walking, keep hoping, keep fighting.
It is now Tuesday, December 13 2017I will catch up with the second week momentarily, which blurred by in a dream much like the first week. But later today I have another CT scan, this time they want my suspicious liver, abdomen and pelvis. I have to quit eating 4 hours before the test, quit drinking 2 hours before the test, drink some 450ml of "oral prep" 3 hours before the test and another chug-a-lug of the same 1 hour before the test. Got that?
Exciting, it is not
Aside from the disruption in my life, the tedium and the waiting are already wearing me down. Another drive across town, more forms, signatures, waiting rooms full of sick people...like me?! No robes this time, just an IV to enhance the contrast in this CT scan of my belly. Another consent form, this one says that the IV may kick my ass later, and it sure did! I need to get tougher.
I lay on the table, a mechanical voice tells me to breathe, hold my breath, inside the noisy tube again. Over before I can go for a decent mind-walk in the woods.
As I get home, the lack of food, the IV thinguie and the "oral prep" are all hitting me at once; I feel bloated like a penguin in the winter, shivering under a blanket and double sweats, trying to think it all away. This is only a test...I need to get tougher.