Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Dual Marias, some thoughts

The Two Marias

Today is the day I become "that other" Maria, the one with the dreadful disease that goes to the Cancer Center for a visit with the Oncologist. I always thought I had pseudo-out-of-body experiences at times but this is truly new.
The old Maria at Red Rock Canyon
not so long ago

Accepting that there was really "something eating my bones" was tough, but the pain all over my body helped make accepting cancer a reality very quickly. Now things are different. I am getting energy back, especially mental energy. I feel like doing things again, other than being sprawled on the sofa catching up on magazines, that is.
Testing is done, now there are poison pills and some injections to try to spurt my bones into making blood again. But really nothing out of the previous ordinary.

The only time things feel weird is when I go to the Cancer Center. It's me, Maria, driving myself to the Cancer Center, getting some blood work done, telling the Oncologist I feel peachy. Listening to him tell me the poison is working and telling me to keep it up.
That Maria drives herself back home and there's the dog wagging her tail! A little walk around the neighborhood in the sun. All is well.

Merging

I imagine when my two Marias merge into one will be the moment I can really say I have accepted this "thing." I can say I am well aware that I have cancer but there is still that out-of-body experience when I do something like give myself an injection.
And I imagine there will be many more twists and turns to the journey, I imagine. In six months the breast surgeon wants to see me again. I think about my hair getting a bit brittle, my fingernails breaking (fine for frettin', not so much for pickin'), still out of breath when doing yard work.
But I'm gaining strength, walking more, even went to the mountain and was able to really take in a huge gulp of cold piney air. I wonder if that Maria will be able to go between the pines a bit later this spring.
View at 8000 feet, Mt Charleston

Escaping between two pines,
back in the studio making art

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